Contact, Vol. I

Humans putting Chia seeds in water look like douches drinking Tadpole eggs.

People who ask their animals questions waiting for a response aren’t in mental homes?

It’s sad, white people don’t have a culture of their own.

If Vegans and Vegetarians claim to be eating healthier than everybody else, why do they look so sickly?

One of our own jumped into a black hole after trying to fill out a W-4.

We don’t trust any man with their shirt collar popped up.

Y’all are lonely.

When you actually say “LOL” and laugh at the same time, are you being metaphysical, or redundant? If you actually say “LOL” without laughing, aren’t you just an asshole?

There’s no bar in the universe that would stir a martini.

If a clown dies, can you use the ‘Haha’ button to react to the news on Facebook?